funny lines

  • Crooked as a Hillbillies Smile
  • – A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
    The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.” The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” and she processed his Social Security application.
    When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
  • Madness is what genius looks like to a tiny mind
  • – A bus station is where a bus stops.
    – A train station is where a train stops.
    – On my desk, I have a work station,
      What more can I say…
  • “Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck?” “Of course, why would
      Friday be an exception?” 
  • “Your future depends on your dreams.” So go to sleep! 
  • I had VODKA with WATER I felt DRUNK
    I had WHISKEY with WATER I felt DRUNK
    I had RUM with WATER I felt DRUNK
    I SWEAR I’LL NEVER DRINK water…!!! 
  •  When i call u;
    1 ring means i’m thinking of u;
    2 ring means i like u;
    3 means i miss u;
    4 means ………..pick the phone idiot!!!
  • Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
    One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
    He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
    The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
    The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
    The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do – after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”
  • The Taxi
    A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up
    over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “Please,
    don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me.”
    The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t
    realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the
    driver replied, “I’m sorry, it’s really not your fault at all. Today is my
    first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
  • – GM Like Computer Industry
    At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

    “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got1,000 miles to the gallon.”

    General Motors has issued a press release stating:
    1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
    would just accept this, restart and drive on.
    4. Occasionally, executing a manuvre such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
    5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought “Car XP” or “Car 2000”. But then you would have to buy more seats.
    6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.
    7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single “general car default” warning light.
    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
    9. The airbag system would say “Are you sure?” before going off.
    10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
    11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the justice dept.
    12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to
    drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
    13. You would press the “start ” button to shut off the engine.

  • A man with money meets a man with experience. The man with experience leaves with the money, the other man leaves with an experience. 
  • The prominent doctor’s son was rejected by a prestigious college. Upset because of the rejection, the son angrily accosted his father.
    “If you really cared about me, you would have pulled some wires!”
    “I know,” replied the father sadly. “The TV, the stereo, the telephone would have been a good start!”
  • – The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
    Tom Clancy 
  •  Needs
    Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.
    But then the wife stops and says, “I don’ t feel like it. I just want you to hold me.”
    The husband says ” WHAT???” The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.
    The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

    So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We ‘ll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.
    And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.
    The husband says “but you don ‘t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.’
    The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says ” I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. ”
    The husband says, ” no no no, honey we’re not going to buy all this stuff.” The wife face goes blank.

    ” No honey – I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”
    Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says ” You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!”